I claim to want a boyfriend. Or later, perhaps, a husband.
And I do.
Truly.
But while there haven’t been many likely boyfriend candidates in recent history, I still recognize in myself the deliberate distance I unintentionally create. It is clearly evident in my refusal to let someone in.
Photo credit: Doe Zantamata
I am independent.
I am strong.
I’ve even been known to want to break up with someone because they want to be helpful and pump the gas for my car.
I don’t like to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability opens up the potential for hurt. For broken-heartedness. For loss.
And I’m not sure I can face that.
I have read Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability, shame and connection.
I have journaled.
But even in my private journals, I do not share my deepest vulnerabilities.
My shame is hidden there. Deep within my heart.
And I’m not ready to look at it myself, never mind willingly show it to another human being.
But, the worthwhile connection I seek with a future boyfriend/husband candidate requires it.
Demands it.
Is impossible without it.
So, I breathe deeply and dig down into the shadowy corners of my heart and soul to find a way to let someone in.
But to let them in, I must tear down the heavy stone walls that I have erected around my heart. I must let them see me as I am. In order to have the kind of connection I seek, I must be seen.
And have the courage to share my thoughts, feelings, shortcomings and dreams.
I am enough.
And allowing someone else to see the innermost me is a key component in finding the love of my life.
Therefore, those walls must come down. Perhaps they will be destroyed by an intense relationship and tumble down all at once. More likely, they’ll be dismantled one brick at a time. By me. Each time I choose to be my authentic self.
xo
Kimberly
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